I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
