does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
