This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
