Christians are straight up FREAKS
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
