Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he was CRYING into my vagina
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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