I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
