She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
