I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
