I'm jealous of your bromance
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
