My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
