Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
