A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Four minutes until I can fart!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
