you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Randomize
