A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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