All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
