nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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