I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
