I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
