From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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