In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
