4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize