I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
