Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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