How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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