The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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