She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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