My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
