i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize