Hey man sorry I got all grabby
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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