today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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