I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
