I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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