my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
