um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Can I color on your dick again?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
