Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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