I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
