Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
