so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
