I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My ATM looks so different sober.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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