I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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