i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
