Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
