I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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