Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize