this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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