It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
