I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
