I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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