My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dicks are not precious.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
