I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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