I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
