i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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