Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
