I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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