I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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