So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize