how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
