Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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