your parents love me but you hate me
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
