On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
