im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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